5 – a. Values Clarification

What are Values

Values are high-level generalizations (abstractions) that describe that which is important to you.

Values can be thought of as the ‘hot buttons’ that either attract or repel us in life. They determine if we are going towards or away from a result.

To elicit Values it is important to have rapport and awareness, then you can use the key question: “What’s important to you about…?”

This can apply to any area of your life. We have values in all contexts including: relationships, family, spirituality, wealth, health, career, and the relationship with ourselves.

The process of eliciting Values involves establishing what’s important, the heirarchy of importance and why they are important.

The process of working with Values is a highly successful coaching tool used by NLP Practitioners and NLP Coaches worldwide.

Values are often revealed by words which embody what is important to us. They are complex and intangible higher-level functions and are intimately linked to our beliefs about what is good and bad, right and wrong.  Our values guide our every decision and the satisfaction or violation of them can produce strong emotional reactions.

“Values are stable constructs from which belief systems are generated. The rule of thumb is values can be expressed in 1 to 3 words. Beliefs often need a full sentence.” Douglas Pride

When you use values to facilitate a change for a client, you can help clean up the values system and align the values to the client goals, setting them up to go towards the life they want rather than away from a life they don’t want. (Note: the NLP behavioral frame — Outcome vs Problem)

We can have ‘moving towards’ values which, when satisfied, bring us pleasure and ‘moving away from’ values which attempt to keep us from feeling pain.

AWAY FROM VALUES  ——->——->  TOWARDS VALUES

Not Failing                                          Being Successful

Ill-health                                           Good Health

Too Much Change                            Security

Not Feeling Trapped                       Freedom of Choice

When we are operating out of our highest values we experience congruence and a sense of satisfaction.  We like people who share our values and often have strong reactions to people who don’t.

The value of knowing your values

• Knowing your values enables you to:
• Be more control of your actions and your emotions.
• Make better decisions, since you have greater awareness of what is truly important to you.
• Recognize what you need to do to feel good
• Find lots of different ways of fulfilling them – rather than doing the same old things as before.

When someone expresses an important value, that word will represent a whole set of experiences and emotions. Therefore it is important that you honour that person’s experience by using their exact value words. If they say ‘honesty’ then be respectful by using their word ‘honesty’ rather than ‘openness’ or ‘trustworthy’ even if it means the same thing to you.

Our values can change when we commit to new outcomes, make decisions to live to a higher standard, and when we change our self-image.

Are values and beliefs the same thing?

Values and beliefs are often closely interlinked. Values are often expressed as beliefs, factual-sounding statements like “It’s important to stand up for your family”. However beliefs can be changed relatively easily by subjecting them to reality tests.

Values are more stubborn.

They may change in sudden transformative moments, but values are much more likely just to slip down your ‘list’ over time.

A classic example is the great value many of us attach to going out and having a great time in our twenties. As we get older we still like the odd night out, but other more sophisticated and healthy things start to take precedence. Here, the value of ‘partying’ is transcended by ‘health and wellbeing’.

‘Shoulds’, ‘oughts’ and values

A final thought… NLP, in common with cognitive psychology, is keen to lessen the power of ‘shoulds’ and ‘oughts’ over people’s lives. But aren’t values all about shoulds and oughts? Isn’t valuing honesty the same as saying ‘I ought to be honest’?

Logically this might be true, but the tone is different… and this matters. By stating something as a value and honoring it, we place the energy and the ethics inside ourselves. ‘Shoulds’ and ‘oughts’ place these things outside ourselves.

While our values are usually out of our awareness, we constantly express them through our language and indicating which are the most important through our behavior. 

The simplest way to discover someone’s values is to ask:

• What is important to you about [topic]?
• What do you want in/out of [topic]?
• What would having [topic] do for you?

The more we are aware of what’s really important to us, the more we are able to work towards being satisfied and fulfilled. When we’re in a role that meets our values we’ll be able to access our ‘flow’ state more easily, perform better and achieve better results. Whereas, when we’re in a role that doesn’t meet our values we may keep going for a while, but in the end our enthusiasm will fizzle out and we’ll feel unsatisfied and frustrated.

When done please take the time to reflect on the lesson and post a comment or question below. What insights did you gain? What questions arose for you?

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